Take this quiz…

• In a dating situation do you get distracted analyzing what you think the other person thinks of you?
• Do you constantly work to avoid your mate/date’s disapproval?
• Around the opposite sex do you feel slightly “fake” (like you’re playing a role)?
• In dating and relationships do you often settle for getting far less than you give?
• With your date/mate, do you tend to remain silent about your personal opinions and preferences?
• Even when they’ve treated you rotten, do you lie about why you’re breaking up with them.

The ONLY way to turn this around is to take the risk of fully engaging with the opposite sex, but minus all the self-editing and twisting yourself into whatever image you assume THEY want.

How to Stop “People-Pleasing”

*ADMIT* your Pleaser tendencies. Because if you aren’t honest with yourself about your approval-seeking you’ll just call it “putting my best foot forward” or some other lie. And your love life will remain all “give” and very little “get”.

*FOCUS* on breaking your approval-dependency by intentionally setting up situations to risk disapproval. (For example, I assign my coaching clients to risk saying “No.”(without further explanation) to at least one request from a friend or loved one daily.

*EXPECT* to feel weird when mates who have only seen the Pleaser in you get a little thrown off by your new signs of self-confidence. Push forward anyway.

*ENLIST* a “support team” (a coach like me, plus one or more accountability friends) to help you transition to relaxed, authentic interaction with the opposite sex. Your coach and your partner should have your permission to get in your face and yank you back into reality when needed.

*****

Those who are the happiest with a mate are those who can also be happy without one. They recognize that being in a relationship doesn’t give them self-worth, it just gives you a place to display it.

*Where to Begin*

If you’re a woman who’s feeling almost ready to get “out there” and try dating again (minus all the fear and people-pleasing)–we should talk…

START HERE: http://www.drronn.com/preptalk/preptalk.html

You’ve got physical, psychological, spiritual and emotional needs, relational needs, and intellectual needs, among others. Your mate (or your “mate-on-the-way”) will meet many of those needs—but never ALL of them.

So, don’t require them to.

• May be she/he’s your best friend—but DON’T require they be your ONLY one.
• May be she/he’s your closest confidante and secret-keeper—but DON’T make them hear it all (all the time).
• May be she/he’s your most comfortable running buddy—but don’t expect them to shadow your EVERY move.
• May be she/he’s the love of your life—but spread some of your life (and your love) around.

The one you love may temporarily try to be your “Super Needs-Meeter.” I assure you, it won’t last. They’ll soon feel suffocated by your burdensome expectations—and you’ll feel enraged/offended/wounded when they start inching away from you.

Just as you did before you met your mate, you should get different pieces of your needs and desires met from God and from other people too.

Decide that, when it comes to love, affection and support, you’ll NEVER (or no longer) cast your mate in the role of “My One and Only.” Instead, treat them like your “My First and Favorite.”

You deserve more options. And your mate deserves a break.

Don’t be fooled: Marriage is NOT only about love and affection. It’s also about getting a whole bunch of stuff done. There is simply no way to see to everything–the bills, the children, the house, the car, the dishes, the laundry, the in-laws–to manage the mundane details of married life, without making a sincere commitment to flexibility.

Nobody opposes the PRINCIPLE of flexibility—it’s the PRACTICE of it that we resist.

We’d all much rather do the chores we like and that we think we do well. And, we try to bypass the ones that don’t fit our schedules, our temperaments, or our hand-me-down ideas about what only men or only women are “supposed” to do.

Before you choose to do or refuse to do what you believe isn’t your job, ask yourself:

• Do I have the time? (Or can I make the time? Will it keep me from responsibly handling the tasks we’ve agreed are mine to do? If not go ahead and do it.)
• Do I have the ability (or can I gain the ability by trying it) to do this chore at least adequately, or to see that it gets done by someone who does?
• Is it beneficial? Will it positively contribute to my mate or my marriage for me to do this or will it accommodate my mate’s irresponsibility?

With flexibility, you can get virtually anything done together. You no longer let ego stop you from assigning the task to whichever of you is available to do it.

Nobody but nobody is qualified to give you all the right answers about your future and the love life God has planned for you. Every now and then, you do best to listen to the advice of the experts (me included)—and then politely ignore it.

To passively comply with someone else’s every opinion, and never formulate your own strategies is a sure way to sabotage your unique, God-given vision for your life (AND your love life).

When it comes to fulfilling your relationship goals, REAL progress will require adapting yourself to change.  It’ll take that for you to pursue a goal that is unique, deeply personal, customized. It’s called innovation—and it’s a good thing.

So, yes, ALWAYS seek wise counsel, but then trust God’s ability to lead you (and yours to follow Him). Each decision you make will either confirm your wisdom—or teach exactly what NOT to do next time.

Are you in a serious relationship or marriage that once was full of affection and intimacy, but now feels chilly and distant? Do you miss the sparks, the special gestures and that feeling that you and your mate are in sync? Putting these seven pointers into action can help bring you closer again.

1. CHANGE YOUR FOCUS.

Continually harping on what’s not happening in your relationship only results in more distance and frustration. Instead, identify the specific expressions of love and affection that are important to your mate. Lavish them on him—when you feel like it and when you don’t. When you give the kind of affection that’s most satisfying to the one you love, you are much more likely to get back the kind that’s satisfying to you.

2. DOWNSIZE YOUR SCHEDULES.

Even if you’re both sincere about wanting to restore the closeness in your relationship, it’s not likely to happen if you don’t arrange to spend more time together. Discuss how both of you can purge your schedules of those non-essential commitments that keep you apart. By making this sacrifice you’ll make it clear to each other that enhancing your relationship is a high priority.

3. POINT OUT THE POSITIVES.

Be sure to applaud the ways in which your mate expresses the kind of affection and intimacy that you desire. Acknowledge even their baby steps in the right direction and you’re likely to see full-size steps in the future. Behavior you reward is the behavior your beloved will tend to repeat.

4. GET REAL.

Life circumstances, like an unusually heavy workload, parent related demands, temporarily mismatched schedules or personal crises, may mean that, for a time, you can’t expect the same level of intimacy with your mate that you once could. Talk candidly about what are—and are not—realistic expectations for this season in the relationship. By doing so you’ll unburden yourselves of unnecessary guilt and forge a mutually-supportive partnership.

5. GO BACKWARD TO MOVE FORWARD.

Emotional detachment and declining affection are often the result of unresolved conflict. The mere passage of time is seldom enough to heal anger and hurt feelings. It takes acknowledgment of the pain you are feeling and apologies for the pain you have caused. No, you can’t relive the past, but at times, you must revisit it to reconcile. Although cleaning up an old mess may feel unsettling, it’s worth it.

6. STRENGTHEN YOUR SPIRIT.

Disillusionment with your relationship can be a symptom of “spiritual anemia”. When intimacy is lacking in your relationship with God, you can easily place unrealistic demands on your romantic relationship. Establish—or re-establish—the priority of your fellowship with God. Keep up with soul-strengthening habits like praying, reading scripture and seeking the support of a wise minister, mentor or counselor. It will help free you both to give and receive love that’s motivated by desire, not desperate need.

7. BE PATIENT.

Rebuilding a relationship doesn’t happen overnight. Your willingness to accept and cherish the small steps is vital. In the beginning, consistent effort is a more important goal than intense feelings. You and your mate won’t feel as intimidated by this process if you truly celebrate even the tiniest victories along the way.

(Whenever Possible)*

Go ahead and admit it! You’re convinced that only loose, scandalous folks go out with more than one person at a time.

You assume that a few dates with someone kind of nice, somehow means that you owe each other exclusivity – so seeing others too, would mean you’re “cheating”.

Untrue! Actually, all you’ve got is an assumption (a totally unrealistic one, at that). Never forget:

There’s no such thing as an “unspoken commitment to exclusivity.”

After informally dating someone for a time, an interested man (who now wants to date you—and you only—will ask (with actual words) for an exclusive, monogamous relationship.

And, an interested woman (who wants to date him—and him only—will honestly accept or decline.

Until then, neither of you owes that obligation to the other.

Keep your dating options open. By aiming to increase the number of people you meet and go out with, you’ll increase your chances of eventually connecting with the “just-right” soulmate you’ve prayed for all along.

How to Date More Than One (Without Drama):

• BE HONEST: If they ask if you are seeing others, don’t deny it.
• BE CONFIDENTIAL: Keep all details about others you are dating to yourself.
• BE DECISIVE: When one of you later requests an exclusive relationship, then you MUST make a decision. (If “yes”, then stop seeing all others. If “no”, then stop dating this person immediately).
• BE WISE: Do NOT become sexual with any of them. It’ll confuse everything!

*****

Beware, in love and relationships, your fiercest enemy is self-centeredness. All of us—you included—have some. It’s that part of ourselves that wants what it wants, how it wants it, and when it wants it.

Count on your—or your mate’s—self-centeredness to show up and do its damage when you least expect it.

If you see your relationship as first and foremost a place for your needs to be met, your desires to be satisfied, your plans realized, your feelings heeded and your pleasure gained, you’ve got a selfishness problem.

Phrases like “I’m trying to find myself some true happiness…” sound harmless enough, even commendable. In reality, when sentiments like these top your list of priorities, you’ve stepped over into the Land of Me, Myself, and I.

SELF-CENTEREDNESS vs. SELF-ESTEEM

These are NOT the same things. Self-centeredness always demands “Saks Fifth Avenue prices” be paid for its own happiness—but is only willing to pay “clearance sale prices” for their mate’s happiness.

Self-love says “I’m worth it, but so are you. Getting mine WILL NOT keep me from contributing to yours.”

Confront your self-centeredness. Face its ugliness head-on, confess it as sin and refuse to dance to its music another minute. Self-centeredness doesn’t deserve residence in your life—and certainly not in your love life.

*****

Never assume anyone knows anything about your love for them without you telling them.  Though you may think that your actions alone have made it clear how much you care for them, I assure you:  they need to hear you say it.

When you verbalize (and keep re-verbalizing) your feelings, you erase some of the doubts and mistrust that can accumulate between any couple over time.  You have a great opportunity to contribute to your beloved’s self-worth and their sense of security in the relationship.

FYI: He or she may not be as self-assured as they appear.  They may especially thrive on you putting into words the reasons you are both proud and grateful to be with them.

Your mate may never request it, but you volunteering this revealing, reassuring information is a welcome gift to anyone. Give it regularly and generously.

***********

Without Wasting Time, Getting Discouraged, or

Settling for Less Than You’re Worth!

http://www.drronn.com/nnd/nnd-mailer-option2.html

Hi,  It’s now 2012 and I’ve got to ask you… What is it about attempting to date and connect with the right mate, that makes so many incredible women eventually give up trying? And, to just “wait and see” what’s going to happen?

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